I am SAM

Who is SAM?

I would like to clarify something about SAM. If you remember that SAM is an acronym for Survivor and Messenger. Now, I have had some questions raised as to why I would want to promote a membership of people who have attempted suicide? I want to be clear on this matter I am not promoting or celebrating the fact that we attempted suicide, but by associating myself and others who have attempted and survived as SAM we are letting others know that life does get better.

I want others who maybe thinking that suicide is their way out, that it doesn’t have to be the way out. I used to think that the only way to end the pain was to end my life. What I have learned throughout the years is that talking about your issues and struggles it eases your mind. The expression of your feelings is a release that calms your soul, the other aspect of expressing yourself can let someone else know that they are not alone, that it is ok to tell their story, and not being ok is ok.

So in short I am not promoting having attempted suicide, I am promoting the fact I survived and my life went on and that I am still here to share with others my story and experiences. Maybe someone won’t have to take 20 years, like it did me, to figure out the reason they are still here and what their purpose.

I am SAM

SAM has lived a very full life and had some tremendous highs and some very intense lows. SAM is a survivor, a warrior, courageous and strong. But SAM has not always been courageous and strong, SAM hasn’t always struggled to survive. SAM is a suicide attempt member. SAM can teach many that no matter how low life can get there is a way out, there is an end to the darkness. SAM has survived life and lived a full life. Was SAM always happy, no. Did life have some trials and tribulations, yes. Were there times SAM wanted to end it all and stop the pain, yes.

SAM said I can’t do this anymore, everyone hates me, i can’t do anything right, no one will care if i die, no one will miss me, they won’t even know I’m gone. Have you said these same things. SAM said them but SAM is still here. How is SAM still here?

SAM almost wasn’t here, there was a time in SAM’s life that things were so bad SAM thought there was only one way out. The darkness was so thick and deep SAM couldn’t see the light, could see any way out.

SAM was bullied, made fun of, tormented, abused, neglected, put down, made to feel less then others, worthless. SAM took a rope, a gun, a razor blade, some pills. SAM used many different methods water, gas, fire, choking, lose of blood to end it all. Each time SAM attempted SAM was not successful. Finally SAM realized there was a reason why SAM was still here, there was some purpose to fulfill. SAM didn’t know what it was yet but knew there was something. SAM decided to get help, open up and #ASK someone. Tell them what SAM was going through and to SAM suprise people did not bully or make fun of SAM, they embraced and comforted SAM. SAM thought it would be a burden to others but no one treated SAM that way.

SAM was told today by the parents that they wish it was SAM who had committed suicide instead of thier son. They wish he was still there instead of SAM. What do you think that does to SAM. It makes SAM want to give them what they want. To end the pain and torment they put SAM through. No parent should take their grieving out on a survivor who is trying to deal with their own grieving. A child who loses a sibling to suicide has no idea how to process those emotions, how to make sense of what has happen.

Now SAM sits alone in their room crying and trying to make sense of why their parents treat them the way they do. SAM starts to write a note saying goodbye. That they can not take the pain anymore. SAM is about to take that last step when they here a voice tell them that the pain will end but not like this. The pain will go away with time, there is an end to the torment but it’s not like this. This is not the answer, this is not the end now, this is just a small chapter in a story that is still being written and this is not the end. You control your story and this is not where it ends; this is where you take control and begin a new chapter. You are SAM and its your turn to tell your story so others will understand and relate to what you have been through.

I am SAM!

#BeThe1  #choosetostay #suicideprevention #ContinueYourStory #IamSAM #SPN

I am SAM 2

SAM sits on the edge of their bed in the darkness reflecting on the awful things that happen today. Tears flow like a waterfall from their eyes. SAM can not see any reason for hope through the darkness and tears.

SAM does not understand why everyone else can not just accept that they are different from others. They do not know why they are different and they do not know how to change who they are. SAM has fallen into a deep darkness and they do not understand what is happening.

SAM should be care free and happy, outside playing and having a good time. But SAM is not, they are sitting in the darkness hurt by the words and action of others. SAM starts to think that life is not worth living anymore, no one will miss them, everyone would be better of if they are not there.

SAM’s best friend comes over to check on them and find them crying in the darkness. They ask SAM what is wrong and SAM spills everything to their best friend. Their best friend reaches out and wraps SAM in the biggest hug ever. Their friend says I can not change those people and they are dumb for not seeing you the way I do. You are an amazing person and regardless of any problems in your life you are still standing. Who cars what other people say or think. They do not know what you deal with on a daily basis and how strong you are just to wake up every morning.

You are a special person, you care about others, you go out of your way to do things for others. They see you as awkward and shy but they do not know that you have social anxiety and its hard for you to open up socially. They do not see the incredible strength you have just to walk out the front door everyday. They see you as too small or too big, but they do not see the battle you have everyday with a eating disorder or the tremendous amount of stress that keeps you from eating or causes you to continuously eat.

They do not see how hard it is for SAM to reach out for help and confide in someone about what they are going through. They do not think anyone will understand how they are feeling, that others will judge them even more for how they feel. They think that others will make fun of them even more then they do now. They think that others will just brush them off and think that their issues are not important or they are just trying to get attention. SAM has a reason to feel like this, in today’s society we look at those struggling with mental illness as people to avoid or they are just crying for attention. We look at them as less of a person because they struggle with day to day activities and interactions. We say things like just get up and do something or just get over it, or just put it behind you and move on.

In order for SAM to change how they think, we have to change how society thinks about mental health. Do we look at someone seeking help and say great I am glad they are getting help or do we say they are crazy or unstable and thus try to stay away from them?

If we show SAM that it is ok to open the conversation about what they are struggling with then they will at the very least know that someone will listen to them and at best they feel comfortable that they can seek help without being labeled by society as a nutcase.